This is a long one. And it's pretty heavy. Just know, if you are reading this, that I am not asking for pity. Or help. But if you can, I hope you can learn something from this.
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My poetry is not to make others cry. It is for the sole purpose of helping my own tears find a way through the maze of my mind and drop out on to my cheek. My release.
In our pursuit to seek validation from others, we must realize, or remember, that the one we are really seeking validation from is ourselves.
I spend each day trying to become someone I can be proud of. I put myself in situations that are nerve wracking, terrifying, just so I can prove that I can do it. Come to think of it, isn't that why I chose journalism in the first place? To force myself to learn to deal with my fears? To prove that I can do it?
I only recently realized that the person I've really been trying to prove myself to all this time was me.
Take yourself out of your comfort zone. That is how you grow.
For years now, I've been trying again and again to better myself. And I realized that over the years, I've changed. Little by little.
When I was in Bharathi Vidyalaya, I used to be quiet and didn't always feel like I had friends. I couldn't talk to boys even if I wanted to, cause I was really shy. I realized I can't do anything for myself if I can't even talk to people when I want to.
The people from BV will never pin me down as a person who was depressed. They always said, even after I left the school, that I was a girl who was always smiling, always laughing, always in my own world. For some reason, they admired that. Maybe they didn't know that I kept to myself, in my own dream world, because I was lonely. Because I didn't feel like there was anyone I could really talk to.
It's weird. I say I always had my best friend Sowmya to talk to. So why did I still feel lonely, even when I had her? Why did I still stay in my own dream world when I had Sowmya since 8th standard? I don't know. But the whole time I was in BV, I hid away half my personality. I never felt like I could fully be myself there. Maybe that's why I always stayed alone. Cause what can I do, who can I talk to, if I can't even be myself?
When I changed schools, I vowed to show my real self. My confidence in my talents improved. I could confidently show people a song or poem I wrote without fear of being judged. I became a little more able to talk to boys, though it was still easier chatting over text than in person.
When I left for college, I was still nervous about talking to strangers. I was nervous about making friends. I've always been the weird girl. I've tried owning it, calling myself eccentric, cause it seems like a cooler word than "weird". But that doesn't mean I can escape it. I got the award for "most enthusiastic" back in second grade. I like to think I've lived up to that title. That doesn't mean that everyone will accept me as I am. It doesn't mean people will stop talking about me behind my back.
"Why is this girl sooo excited?"
I started watching 13 Reasons Why recently. I've been binge watching it. Hannah Baker says in one of the episodes that it was a new her living the same old life. I could relate to that.
I thought changing schools meant being the new me. But pretty soon, I realized it's not easy to change. Change happens slowly, in little baby steps. That's why it has taken me years to get to this point, and I am still working at myself. Essay competitions, speech contests, showing friends my poetry, starting this blog, singing on the bus and then in school competitions, dancing, taking bio group in 11th and 12th standard, taking on journalism... Everything takes me one step, or a couple, out of my comfort zone. And every little thing has helped prove to other people - and myself - that I can do it, I can put myself out there. I'm capable.
Somewhere along the lines, I changed. Not completely as a person, but more like an updated or newly improved me. The first time I realized this was when I went back to BV for the science expo in February 2015. I met some of my old classmates. Aishwarya and Neha, two of the class toppers who I always looked up to, tried to catch up to, wouldn't talk to me much that day. I asked what happened. They said nothing, that I've changed.
I don't know if building self confidence counts as a complete change. I wasn't even done changing at that time. It was only the beginning. But already, just having the confidence to be myself, my whole self, not hide anything or be afraid or shy, seemed to have an effect.
And I was okay with it. I told them I never changed. They were just seeing a side of me I had never showed them before. In retrospect, I don't know what about my behavior was so different that day. In retrospect, I think I was pretty normal. I was just talking to people, wasn't I? Old friends. I can't remember if it was in any way drastically different from how I'd always interacted with people, before I switched schools. Or maybe it wasn't in my behavior, but in my aura. The energy I broadcasted then was slightly different from what it used to be, maybe. I was happy. Happier than I'd been in BV.
This time when I went back to India, two people noticed a change in me. The first was an aunty who barely knows me, but encouraged me to pursue journalism when I was in 12th grade when my mother expressed doubts. One look at me and she said I studied journalism and became stronger. That I studied the course I liked and became very strong.
How did she know? What did she see? The possible explanation came later, when a friend texted me that my posture has changed. That they noticed it when we met up for the first time since school ended. I was taken by surprise - this was something even my best friend didn't point out. It was something I myself didn't realize.
Perhaps then, I realized, low self esteem makes a person slouch a bit. I always slouched a bit to try to hide away, or at least hide my fat. But confidence? Not just body confidence, but self esteem as well? It has a physical effect on the body. So somewhere along the line, I started sitting straighter, standing taller. The friend saw the change and said I grew up. The aunty saw it and saw strength.
And this is important, because this is when I realized just how far I have come on this journey of self growth I started all those years ago. And confidence? It changes the energy you radiate.
I think 13 Reasons Why is having an effect on me. It is making me type all this out. It is not easy to come to terms with and make sense of the past. I don't think it's meant to be. But writing? It helps me. It always has.
I am not writing this just for you, the reader. I am writing this for me. But at the same time, I am hoping someone reads this and finds it helpful for them.
So why stop here? Let's go a little further.
Last semester was not easy for me. I had multiple breakdowns. Multiple. Despite the improvements I've made, despite being sure I overcame the depression I never realized I had until I was over it, the darkness still comes back. For a while now, maybe a few years, I have been feeling like I am not enough. Not smart enough. Not pretty enough. Not normal enough. Not funny enough. Not lucky enough. Not hard working enough. Not enough. Period.
People always tell em they admire how much I am doing in college, how many things I am involved in outside of classes. But to me, I feel like what I am doing doesn't even scratch the surface of what all I could actually be doing. I feel like I am doing nothing. That's what it's like to feel like you're not doing enough.
And so when I was nominated for a Barrett Gold Standard award in the innovation category, it meant the world to me. Part of me knew though that this was because I am lucky enough to have a wonderful supervisor, Nicole, who thought of me and thought to nominate me for an award. I don't think I could have gotten that nomination, that recognition, otherwise.
I didn't expect to win. I kept telling myself that just the nomination was more than enough. But on the way home that evening, I broke down in Nicole's car. I cried. And she cried too.
And at that time she told me something I want to share with you all. It goes hand in hand with everything else in the journey of self growth.
It's called believing in yourself. As hard as it is, you have to believe in yourself.
I told Nicole it's hard to believe in myself when everything feels so hopeless. And she told me a story about how someone once told her something that she then told me, which I will now tell you.
You are better than you think you are.
Those are the words. The magic words Nicole said to me that day. It means that even if you don't believe in yourself, there are people out there who do, and people out there who see you for more than you yourself do. It makes sense to me, because on three occasions so far in my life, I have had people contact me to say I inspired them. It blew me away. There are people out there who watch you and see all that you really are and feel inspiration. How many lives could I have unknowingly influenced? People are watching. I am a role model. I am a role model because they look up to me, because they see me in a brighter light than I see myself in. You just have to believe it. You just have to keep telling yourself that. I'm still working on it myself, but these words have meant so much to me. So I wrote them here in case you, the reader, is in need of hearing it too.
You are better than you think you are. Repeat it to yourself until you believe it. Keep pushing yourself out of your comfort zone.
But have limits. Just because you should take yourself out of your comfort zone doesn't mean you should do things you don't think feel right. For me, that means I'm not going to try alcohol. Or casual dating. Or hookups or whatever. Or go to parties past 10 or 11 p.m. or just any party with alcohol and boys (because drunk boys can be dangerous for someone with zero physical strength like me). Or do anything that doesn't feel right for me. Those are my ideals - doesn't mean you should follow them too. I mean do things you think will improve you in the direction you want to go, without regrets, but don't go too far into territory you are more than uncomfortable, that you feel wrong or unsafe to be in. Keep yourself away from such situations.
On a related note, this also means cutting out negativity from your life. Earlier, I mentioned that embracing my weirdness and calling it eccentric doesn't mean that people will accept me for who I am. People will still talk behind my back. People will still make me feel lonely even in a crowded room. Just because you share the same ethnicity doesn't mean they will be your ally. Or your instant best friend. From my experience, I've learned that most Indians in the US are assholes. You have to get away from people like that. No matter how many chances you may want to give them to be your friend, they are not going to be your friends. They are going to use you and leave you, because that is the kind of person they are. They are negative energy. Find people who project the same energy you do. It might take a while, but you will find real friends who genuinely like hanging out with you. Or look around, maybe they're already there and you haven't realized yet.
Do not waste your energy by projecting it toward people who don't reciprocate the same energy. Spend it on people who do. Cut out negativity from your life. If that means losing a couple people you initially thought were friends, go for it. Trust me, you will feel happier. Real friends don't just accuse you without asking for your side of the story first. Real friends apologize. If they don't, that's a surefire sign they're not going to be around when you really need them. It's best to distance yourself from people you know will let you down.
And if you find yourself ready to give up, take a break. Whether that means a quick anime episode or a whole day or weekend of being unproductive, do what you need to do to keep your sanity. Talk to a friend. It helps. A lot. Sometimes I think they're the only people truly capable of pushing me back on my feet when I hit rock bottom. Again and again.
Keep at it, my friend. As will I.
One day, I hope we can both look in the mirror and be proud of who we are.
