This Is Love

 June 25, 2023

You should never lose yourself 

To anyone or any relationship 

Have some self respect,

People tell me

But I would willingly 

Readily

Lose myself to find him

Dissolve myself to be part of him

Cut away parts of myself 

To fit into the puzzle piece that is his world 

Because he is my world

I would jump if he told me

I would die if he didn’t want me 

And I would lose all self respect 

In my respect for him

Is this love?

I wouldn’t do this for anybody else 

For him I would give everything 

My whole life

My entire being

I could easily give up everything 

And regret nothing

For him

Only for him

This is how I love

Ambivalence

 June 24, 2023

“Why don’t you hate him?”

I can’t 

I simply… can’t 

I can be angry with him

But when the rage fades

I still miss him

I still care for him

And I still love him

I can even hate myself

For being as pathetic as I am

But not him

None of this is his fault 

So why would I subject him

To my hatred?

He has done nothing wrong

This is all my fault, not his

So no, I don’t hate him

“You can’t hate someone 

When all you feel is love”

I smile softly as I say it

I smile through the pain

I wrote this poem after watching Ae Dil He Mushkil with a friend who, in our post-movie discussion, asked me this exact question. And the way I answered was so poetically beautiful he commented on just how deeply I love this man I've been writing about for 9 years. So when I got home, I wanted to write it down as poetry before I forgot how exactly I expressed my feelings.

Forget Me Not

 June 18, 2023

I want to forget 

Your face

Your voice

Your words

Your favorite shows

The things you introduced me to

Our conversations

Your flirting

Your stories

Our memories 

My memories 

My dreams of you

The daydreams too 

And everything flashes by

In an instant

In my mind

And actually…

I don’t want to forget

I can’t forget you

Do you ever think of me too?

Wishing Things Were Different

On April 15, 2023, I met up with him in Chennai. We spent the entire day together, and it felt very much like a date. I thought there were so many green signals, signs I thought meant he liked me back. But at the end of the night, he friendzoned me... 

I'm still heartbroken.

I think a part of me will always be heartbroken over him.

Started someday after April 15, 2023; finished May 8, 2023

I wish you knew how much you mean to me

No

You do know

You know now

And I have to correct myself every time 

That thought crosses my mind

These are 8 years I’ll never get back

Did it ever cross your mind? 

Did it matter? 

Did any of it matter?

Did I matter?

Did I mean anything to you?

I came to you after all these years

Past college years, post glow-up,

A talented young woman 

Who gets attention from everywhere 

But only wants it from you

But did it matter to you? 

I was never and will never be 

Enough for you

I was never pretty enough, 

Smart enough, successful enough,

Sweet enough, caring enough,

I was never enough for you

Isn’t it funny?

I spent years imagining 

How we would come together 

How we would spend time together 

How we would spend our future together 

How much of a fool I am…

And now I can’t imagine 

Anyone else in your place

And I’m considering therapy

When you should be the one getting it

Isn’t it funny?

I feel betrayed by the universe 

“You’re just a friend”

Only ever just a friend 

Was that really all I ever was to you?

Every time you said it

Was like a bullet through my heart

You liar… you still couldn’t admit it

But if you wanted to, you could.

If you wanted to, you would.

But you didn’t.

Didn’t reach out, didn’t say a word,

Let alone change your mind.

You made your decision, fast and firm.

Did I matter at all to you?

Are you hurting right now too?

Did you ever care about me?

Even if you did love me too, 

It was never enough

To overcome your fears of commitment.

Was I too much for you?

Too naive for you?

Too far away for you?

Put too much effort in for you?

Cared too much about you?

Did I love you too much?

I wanted so much to be the light

That shone through your darkest times

And I wanted to show you

Love exists

And you deserve it

And I loved you more than I loved myself 

I love you more than I will ever love

Anybody else

I try to see the future 

I draw cards and none of them make sense 

I ask around and nobody wants to help

I’m left with nothing but wishes

I wish you would talk to me again 

I wish you would reach out

I wish you loved me enough 

To be vulnerable for once

I wish I could see you again

Wish I could kiss you just once

But I was there in Chennai

For a whole month

And we only met once

And you left my last goodbye on read

You couldn’t bring yourself to say something 

Even then

This grand romantic gesture 

Was all for naught

All in vain

Didn’t sway you at all

How can it mean nothing to you?

How can you be so stubborn?

And I’m the one left sobbing silently 

Over you, 10,000m above the Pacific,

Missing you

Thinking about our memories 

Wishing I could talk to you

Wishing things were different 

The Knight's Armor

 May 6, 2022

I grew comfortable in my loneliness.

I grew to be content, to be happy with being single,

To be independent.

I charge through life like 

A blazing ball of fire,

Not needing anyone or anything but

Myself, and my nearest dearest friends.

And even when the support system changed

And the coping habits evolved

(Or devolved - it happens)

I was fine.

I don't need a man, I tell myself.

I can take care of myself.

But in front of you, I crumble.

The armor comes off.

In place of strong facade

There is vulnerability,

Heartache,

Loneliness.

And I so deeply want to put down my helmet,

Rest my sword,

Rest my mind, rest

My heart, my soul. 

I hide fear.

I cower in the face of 

Relationships... And intimacy.

Because that can lead to falling in love,

And falling in love can lead to heartache.

And if I am broken, I cannot function.

I cannot advance,

I cannot survive.

I cannot risk it all for just anyone.

But with you I feel comfort,

With you I feel safe.

With you I don't mind -

What heartache?

With you the armor comes off,

With you the façade crumbles.

With you the ever present fear is shoved aside,

Make room for love. Make room for risk,

A desire for companionship,

And a confidence that I can face my fears

With you by my side.

Perhaps you can find the same in me. 

Perhaps we can don our armor together,

Advance together.

And then when the sun sets and 

Orange and purple lights dance across the heavens...

Perhaps we can rest together,

Be vulnerable together,

Come alive together. 

Perhaps we can find it in ourselves

To love one another.