Stalemate

Stalemate is a poem that depicts two sides of unrequited love. In this case, it is the girl who loves a boy who does not reciprocate her feelings. Still she stays to watch over him in case he may ever need something. Meanwhile, he doesn't want her there. He doesn't need her. He feels her presence a burden. Neither of them can change their feelings for the other. Neither of them wins, and thus the title.

STALEMATE:

Like an angel silently waiting,

I looked after him,

To catch him when he falls,

Continuously hovering over him.

He had an umbrella up though

To hide himself away,

So I cried when I was unable to help

Because I couldn't see him any day.

"Love I tried to pour from the heavens

Did not reach his heart I only yearned to protect."

She continuously hovered over me

Like a constant, tormenting reminder

Of my decision everyone hated me for,

My decision to reject her.

I put up an umbrella to shield myself from her

And prevent her from coming close

Because I wanted her gone

And didn't trust someone who understood me the worst.

"Chase me as she might, I'll run

Because only a fool would love me."

"Don't keep breaking my heart."

"Don't make me break your heart again."

"I can't stop loving you."

"I just can't see you that way."

Stalemate.

I honestly think this poem is extremely heartbreaking. If you feel that way too, let me know! Feel free to comment and share!

Love Told Me

We are all slaves of love, when we feel the strength and power of these feelings. They say people in love do stupid things - I partially agree. People in love are strong and weak at the same time. These feelings command us. The advise us, take control of us, and we obey them diligently. Love, personified in this poem, is our leader, who commands us to continue to care and to stay after painful things have happened. We may seem stupid, but that is the strength of our love, of our feelings. We do it because Love told us.

Love Told Me:

I didn’t plan on anything

From the moment I stepped into your vicinity,

But it happened – in a moment

A hope for affinity.

And when I saw what I thought

Was a sign we are alike,

Love told me to care about you,

And a passion burned in my psyche.

The first time I thought

You could never reciprocate,

Love told me to seek out the gods

And my prayers in them invocate.

When I sat there denying

I had any real feelings,

Love lucidly commanded

I trust in its proceedings.

I heard its voice –

Clear, firm, irrefutable,

And it made me trust in Love

And hope for the impossible.

When I was rejected

And nursing heart’s wound,

Love patched it up

With feelings of a stronger tune.

When friends advised me

To let go and move on,

Love said I can’t and

My heart became a weeping swan.

When I was told my feelings

Would fade away into nothingness,

Love surprised me by revealing

Its strength in infiniteness.

And when I doubt and I fear

That this may not be love,

Love reassured me

Of what it was made of.

Love taught me that

The heart is not a fickle thing

When it comes to the one

For whom with love it will sing.

Love told me it is titanium –

No, it is a diamond shield

Around my heart within which

Its ocean of feelings are sealed.

And when all fate seemed

Against me, Love gave

A nonexistent sliver of hope

To which I became a slave.

When it became clear

That for now I won’t succeed,

I decided to wait

Because Love told me.

All that Anxiety for Nothing

Imagine you plan to do something special for someone for a long time. You've been planning this for day, or months even. And then nothing goes according to plan. You fail. You have done nothing. 

How would you feel?

The following poem depicts how someone planned to put aside time to call someone on their birthday but then things didn't go as planned - the person couldn't pick up. 

All that Anxiety for Nothing:

Months before I planned this.

When my plans had miscalculations, I made sacrifices.

Months ago I planned this.

Months ago.

I made my preparations

Carefully, thoughtfully,

And I sat there waiting for the moment to come,

Sat there waiting with trepidation.

Heart beating fast for an hour,

Fear gripping my mind,

Thinking and overthinking every possibility in my head,

Shaking and imploding from within.

Yet by now I know

Nothing ever goes

According to plan,

Especially with you.

So of course I had a Plan B,

And of course I didn’t feel bad –

I shouldn’t… So why is it

That I still regret it not going as planned?

Ah, how I longed to hear your voice again.

How I longed to speak with you!

How I feared I might explode from happiness

When you said “Hello” again…

And I look back at the time I wasted,

Shaking and imagining worst-case scenarios

And I knew it was all in vain –

All that anxiety for nothing.

Yet I knew this gesture

Wasn’t about me – no, it’s you

Who I planned carefully and thoughtfully for,

To say Happy Birthday.

And even though the Plan B was to just text the birthday wishes and not be too bothered about this, you still felt sad you couldn't hear their voice again... Something you were really looking forward to... 

The Search for the Key

The Search for the Key:

I know I said I’d leave,

But I didn’t.

I couldn’t.

I’m sorry.

I know you said love doesn’t exist,

At least not at this age,

So I’ll be here until you’re ready,

Until you’ve reached that age.

And if at that time

I still love you,       

You’ll know it was real,

You’ll know it was true.

I’ve been hurt so much

By the things you said;

I loved you despite

What in return you fed.

You’ve put up a wall

And hidden in your shell,

You won’t let me in

When I ring the doorbell.

The door is locked,

You’ve locked me out;

You won’t give me the key

Or benefit of the doubt.

You don’t trust me

Even though I’ve said

I’ll never hurt you

Until the end.

I tried to duplicate the key

Through any information I gained;

The keyhole remains

Still locked, but now tear-stained.

I know I said I’d leave.

I couldn’t let you go though.

I’m sorry, I’m still trying,

And day by day my love only grows.

I can’t go on.

My First Published Story and New Blog

I got an on-campus job as a student writer for the Barrett Website. For those of you who don't know, Barrett is the Honors college at ASU. 

My job is to interview successful Barrett students and write up stories on what they've done.

My first story was on a girl named Madeleine Holler, who is a freshman journalism student just like me. In fact, she's my classmate in one of my classes this semester!

Read to find out more: Maddie Holler Combines Pageantry with Honors Studies

Another announcement I have is that, in case you have not heard already, I have started another blog with my friend Sarah, called An American Learning Indian Culture! Make sure you read that blog too! 

A Letter In The Future

This is a letter you have to imagine will be written in the future, more than just a few years from now. It could be in 5-6 years, or even longer than that, but the setting is the future.

A letter in the future:

I may have treated you like a friend, but you have always meant more than a friend to me. So it is with my heart on my sleeve that I ask you of this now.

It has been years. Years since that fateful day I first had a crush on you. Yet I remember it like yesterday. The feelings, the euphoria, and the pain of all the drama that happened are still much like a fresh wound: bleeding profusely, heart racing, tears welling up tenderly.

Yet I have stuck around all this time after we have parted.

Haven’t you ever thought about it? I said goodbye to you, fully prepared to face the future. No matter how many attempts you tried to get rid of me, I never left. I said goodbye to you. But no, I was too weak, or perhaps too strong, to truly leave.

And now that I feel the time is right, I tell you once more why all these years I stayed.

You may have thought I moved on. You may have thought my feelings faded away at some point. You may have thought that I saw you as just a friend. But the truth of the situation is just the opposite: that even an ocean could not come between me and my feelings for you. They only grew deeper, stronger.

And that is why I have come to you now, once more, after all this time.

I love you.

I would do anything for you.

But please spare me the one command of obliteration of my memories. I cannot give you a promise I cannot keep. A task to forget you – what I have failed at for all these years – do not assign me such a burden. I beg of you, please, do not tell me to stop.

Do not tell me to stop loving you. I cannot.

Do not tell me to stop caring for you. I will fail.

Do not tell me to move on. There is no place for anyone else in my heart.

You are my love, my darling, my sweetheart.

No one else can take your place.

Send A Message

My friend Aswin Kumar requested another poem from me!!!!!

This time it is a poem for a best friend he misses because she accidentally broke her phone ad hasn't contacted him since.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: Send A Message.

Send A Message:

Seconds turn to minutes

Turn to hours turn to days,

And here I stand waiting

For a word from you some way.

Phone gone, now what?

I miss you so much.

Send a message in the wind,

Or a method of such.

Whisper something to the stars,

The holy, mystic sight.

Let them carry on your words

To my ears tonight.

Write a message on the beach

That the waves erase

And rewrite upon the shores

My feet everyday trace.

Write a letter, tie it to

A smart pigeon’s foot

So that it may bring to me

The words in it you put.

Send a message to me

Somehow, someway,

Send a message to me.

I long it every day.

It Might Just Be

It Might Just Be... This poem talks about unrequited feelings and waiting. It mentions the thoughts of wondering if it's some unknown prophesy that has come to be, if it's some kind of trial the gods are making you go through to prove your love and whether or not you deserve this, and whether the person you love will ever come to his or her senses... or if all your loving and painful waiting will be for nothing.

It Might Just Be:

It might just be

The heart that speaks,

Or rather cries,

Out for your love.

It might just be

A prophesy

I have not heard

But come to know.

As words flow out

A waterfall of love

And feelings bold as

Thunder in the storm,

As fate decreed

I fall for you,

But nonetheless

Unrequited it shall be.

There’s something wrong

But still I hope

This challenges the heart,

To see how far I’d go for you,

If love were

Real or not.

And when the sweet

Rain’s pouring stops

Will senses greet

Thee soon enough?

Will my ordeal

Amount to nill,

Or will you see worthy

The love I have still?

College Diaries: Off Campus and Friendless

Can I just say that living off-campus and not in the dorms is so hard? Right off the bat, there are people who have best friends already because they have their roommates or floormates at the dorms. But off campus students, particularly those who live far off campus like I do, find it really hard to make friends and actually connect with them and hang out. We can't stay on campus too late after dark because it's not safe and it takes about an hour to get home via bus and light rail. As a result we miss many socializing opportunities. Many students choose to go back to their dorms and study or chill between classes or during free time. The only time I see classmates outside class are when I or they or both are walking to another class. Those of my classmates who are in at least two of the same classes as I am sadly do not talk to me as they are all already sitting with their best friends from the dorms. 

It's not that people don't talk to me or anything - it's just that I seem to have a great number of hi-bye friends and still haven't really made any connections with anyone and therfore don't have any REAL friends yet. All around people have found their college bestie. I'm still searching for mine.

COLLEGE DIARIES: OFF CAMPUS AND FRIENDLESS

Nobody knows the lyrics

To the song the bird sings.

Nobody knows the steps

To the dance of tree leaves.

Nobody sees the tears

Of the dry eye and bright smile.

Nobody understands the pain

Of the lonely soul.

Where friends come and go

One stops just to wonder

Why when seeking out bonds

There is always a blunder

That creates not friends

But acquaintances and such

That no matter who surrounds them

Friends don't exist much.

Open your eyes and see

The lonely, wandering soul

Who never shows her tears

And laughs full of dole 

and never tries to hurt 

Anyone but the self

Assuming destiny is to be truly

Friendless all along.

I stop and smile

I say hi to you

But we seldom go beyond

You saying hi too

And if only I could find

A friend to hang out with 

Though I don't live close by

- Or are friends just a myth?

My Wishes to the Absent

We don't always talk to the one we want to talk to.

So this poem is for all of you who miss someone, but still care for them. 


My Wishes to the Absent:

We don't talk
And that's okay,
But sometimes
I still might pray
That you have 
A brilliant day,
That you're sunny 
In the rain,
That your life
Is bright always,
That you're safe
In every way,
That every obstacle
You will slay,
That coping with stress
You still can play,
That you may shine
Like Saturn in May,
That evil and darkness
Are kept at bay,
That you know I wish
To once more say "Hey"
Even though I'm miles
And miles away.
We don't talk,
And that's okay.
I'm not with you,
But I'm here to stay.

Psychedelic Reunion

Past midnight

I met you again

Among a crowd

My heart skipped a beat once more.

My eyes found you

Searching for yours

Feelings resurfaced once more…

Happiness

I never thought I’d see you again

Love

Not a day went by without your thought

Care

How are you? Are you well?

Desperation

Memories of unreciprocated feelings

Fear

Have you forgotten me?

Sadness

Perhaps I still have no chance

All in the moment

My heart skipped a beat.

And then I took a risk –

No longer seeking regrets,

I called out your name and watched

As you found me and searched my face.

You recognized me

I knew it

Yet still I had to ask

“Remember me?”

For him, I was a nightmare

For me, he was a dream…

I looked into his eyes and for a moment

Forgot to breathe.

It’s been so long

Since I saw that face,

Those eyes,

That boy who stole my heart,

It’s been so long since I heard that voice,

And I’ve longed to see his smile

I remember so well

Just once more

We agreed to meet up

In a park or an empty stretch of beach

And I cried when I saw him

I could no longer control it

My throat caught when I looked up to him

“I thought I’d never hear your voice again.

I thought I’d never see you again.

It’s been so long…”

I hugged him, tears staining his shirt

And through the material my muffled voice would say

“I missed you… I missed you so much”

Between sobs, as he wrapped his arms around me too.

And then the sun shone once more

Ripping him away from me

And the dreams come to me like memories,

And the memories?

They are of dreams… 

The Interview of a Dancer

I KNOW IT'S BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I LAST POSTED SOMETHING! I'm so sorry. I've been meaning to post this for a while, and in the mean time I've been drought of ideas for writing poetry - instead I've been writing songs. Perhaps I'll share some of those here too?

Today I want to introduce you to my friend Miruthula Jagadesan. I have the honor of having her be my first interview!

Miruthula, nicknamed Miru, is a passionate classical dancer. She is the state ambassador for IndianRaga for Bharatanatyam in Arizona.

Miruthula Jagadesan

Her journey started way back in 2005, around October, when she was looking for a dance teacher. She was introduced to Smt. Preeti Anand, founder and director of Samarpan School of Dance which teaches bharatanatyam in the Kalakshetra style, who has been her dance teacher till date.

Miru was one of the first students in that dance class and she’s the only pioneer student remaining. 

“The classes were very interesting and engaging. We had classes on mudras and stories the last fifteen minutes of every class to keep the students engaged initially. My teacher was very creative! I loved the classes.”

Miruthula didn’t get to dance on stage until she was three years into learning Bharatanatyam because the teacher was very keen on them mastering the basics. Having done that, Miruthula’s debut on stage was at the Indo American Center. “The theme was spreading awareness for the blind and for them to get eyesight,” Miru said, “So we danced for a song called Anbe Shivam Arule Deivam, and my teacher opened up the dance, then giving way for her young students to take the stage and shine for the very first time.”

More students began to join, and soon enough Miru was the only pioneer student left.

“It is very important for any artist to have proper guidance from the beginning stage or else they will lose interest very easily and it’s really hard to retract and like that art form again,” Miruthula warns. “I’m very lucky to have a teacher so dedicated and knowledgable. She guides the students so well!”

Her dance school has done a big production back in 2011 – the entire Ramayana epic. “From planning it out and printing brochures, everything was interesting and the whole thing was a really good, fun experience.”

Miruthula with her dance teacher Preeti Anand

ARANGETRAM:

Miruthula had a memorable Arangetram here in the US. She had fun planning it out. Miru, her mom and her dance teacher found all the sarees for the costumes online, had them stitched in India, and brought to her home in Chandler, Arizona. To their surprise, everything turned out really well! The jewelry was custom made, too. Her maternal grandparents, her aunt flew from Pennsylvania, and about 800 more people came to watch her performance. 

“Practice was tedious. I learnt a lot – especially how much commitment a dancer needs to do Arangetram. Everything hurts (hahaha) and it's hard but all the pain pays off and in the end I felt awesome. I think it ended so fast and could've lasted longer…” She received many congrats emails and letters at the end, which gave her the confidence that she was doing her job right and encouraged her to keep pursuit down this path.

From then on, Miru has started choreographing dances for various programs and performances. She’s even found some interested young dancers who are willing to perform under her choreography! “I have also danced with them all for big events like Arizona Tamil Sangam and the dances have all been hits so far!”

The Indo American Center invited her to dance in honor of the late A.P.J. Abdul Kalam sir after his death shook the world. She humbly accepted the invitation and danced in tribute to Kalam sir with a few fellow dancers. An article on it was published in an Indian newspaper in the US.
She submits videos every month for IndianRaga monthly worldwide competitions where dancers are given a topic to dance on. She has been the runner up twice and won for June's contest. She was invited to perform at a private gathering of the IndianRaga Champions Meet event for which she went to Boston on August 6th, 2016 at the Cambridge Innovation Center.

SO WHAT’S SHE DOING WHEN SHE’S NOT DANCING?

Miruthula is a student at Arizona State University (ASU), pursuing engineering. “It’s not easy, it takes a lot of time, and many people have asked me why I don’t just take up dance. People shouldn’t be paying for education or for the arts. I won’t be taking that as a career. I want to take engineering because I think it can help me with my dance, like building a website and managing productions and events. It can aid in promoting my dance.”

She balances college and dance. She says that if you love something, you make time for it. She does schoolwork on weekdays and spends her weekends for dance. One of her biggest inspirations is watching other dancers on YouTube. “I try to take the traits I like about certain dancers, may it be the Abhinaya, or how they carry out certain steps, and try to implement it in my own style.  In my free time, I watch videos of accomplished dancers to educate myself more on the art form. Some of my inspirations in Bharathnatyam are Smt. Leela Samson, Smt. Priyadarshini Govind, Apoorva Jayaraman and Rukmini Vijaykumar."

Local dancers have been contacting her to dance with them. She has two projects in line right now: in the next two months she will be performing in big events happening in the valley (Arizona).

Here's a picture of myself with Miruthula. BTW Miru is actually standing on her toes in this picture here so she doesn't look too short! Hahaha, she's always fun to be around.

FEELINGS, THOUGHTS, ASPIRATIONS AND DREAMS:

To Miruthula, dance is an integral part of her life. She finds herself and expresses herself through dance.

“I live my life through dance,” she proudly states. “I think dance helps me more than anything, and it makes people happy watching me dance. Entertaining them can help me keep this up!”

According to Miru, these are the most important qualities of a dancer:

1. Commitment

2. Interest

3. Stamina

4. Open to new ideas/Creativeness 

5. Being expressive/not shy

6. Good time Management

7. Music knowledge to some extent

Miruthula hopes to one day start her own institution and teach dance to anyone and everyone who wants to learn, whether or not they can afford it, because she wants this art form to keep from disappearing. As a patriotic Indian, the least she can do to give back to the art form that has given her so much is to spread one of the most ancient dance forms alive to more people, in all its cultural richness.

Like all great artists indulged entirely in their art form, Miruthula’s heart’s desire is a simple, admirable one that showcases her love for Bharatanatyam.

“My wish is to die dancing.”