The First Kiss

I imagine more than I'm willing to admit what it would be like the first time he and I kiss. There are multiple scenarios that play in my head that lead up to it - countless variations to the confession, the moment he tells me he loves me, the moment he and I finally tell each other our feelings. 

In some versions, I tell him to give me his hand, and I hold it firmly. There is something so simple yet sure about holding hands because I imagine our fingers intertwined and energy - pure energy - flowing between us. 

In other versions, the hug comes first. And even here there are variations. I could wrap my arms around his neck, standing on the tips of my toes to rest my chin on his shoulder. Or I could wrap my arms around his middle, burrying my face in his shirt, feeling our hearts racing as he folds me into his embrace as well.

The conversation that leads up to this, the setting, the time, the situation... Everything varies. There are so many ways this could happen.

But the kiss? That's the one thing I don't see too many variations in. 

It would start with a hesitation. Because as many times as I have imagined it, I know both he and I will be hesitant and shy to take this forward. We'll lean in close and pause just a breath away from each other. 

And when our lips meet, I will feel so scared that I won't feel anything at first. But then I'll put all my feelings into it - the countless years of waiting, of longing, everything exploding as I attempt to pour it all into this kiss. 

It deepens. He pours his feelings into it too. And in those brief moments our lips meet, an almost electric current flows between us. The world falls away as we drown in each other's arms. 

There is surety, there is hope, there is power, there is every reason to believe in this moment. There is love, there is longing, there is care, there is sweetness, there is trust, there are promises that are conveyed in these moments. Nothing else will matter when we finally kiss. Nothing.

He'd cup my face as my fingers cling to his shirt. Or he'd wrap his arms around me and pull me closer as I have his face cupped in my hands, or have my fingers tangled in his hair. 

That's how I imagine the first time we kiss. Isn't it funny how much I think about a moment I'm not even sure will happen? that I am still waiting for?

(Written March 15, 2018; updated April 14, 2020) 
  

Fighting Injustice

How does one deal with blatant betrayal?

When injustice runs rampant?

When traitors cannot be stopped, cannot be fought?

How have I not completely made a fool of myself,

For trying to fight someone who always wins?

For throwing pebbles at a meteorite?

For thinking a tiny LED light bulb the size of a firefly would help at all in pitch black darkness?

How do I deal with this?

I cannot fight it.

I am afraid to live with it.

What choice do I make?

If I fight it, what do I lose?

If I live with it, what do I lose?

I don't know the outcome. I don't know which road to take, which choice to make.

Which path may yield; which one's a mistake?

It's difficult to control my emotions.

Fear, anger, hurt, etc. 

Snowballing, 

Snowballing, 

Until it ices over me.

Is resilience worth anything?

In the face of a traitor committing blatant betrayal?

In the face of injustice?

September 24, 2019 

Bite Sized Poetry

As Easy As Breathing:

Inhale. Exhale.

That's what it's like to love you.

Easy

Effortless

Unconscious

Constant

Unstoppable

Essential

Loving you is like breathing.

(April 17, 2019)

Game of Hearts:

Now, normally I shoot to win

But this is a game I'm cautious in

Cause this is the game of hearts

And if you shoot and miss, my dear,

You might just fall into despair

Cause this is not a game at all

(August 4, 2019)

A Love Not Loved Like Any Love Before

Hey.

I have something to say to you.

You may choose to hear it or you may not.

But I'll take a deep breath and...

Here goes.

I love you.

I love you more and more and more and more every day.

And with every passing moment I am unable to say this to you, face to face, eye to eye, I feel a longing like I've never longed so much before.

I recognize your words.

I feel you, I hear you, I see you;

I know you want time, I know you need space;

I know we both need to grow

Just a little more

Before the universe can bring us together.

I know you are not ready, and neither am I.

But we will be one day.

I know you love me too, even if you haven't actually admitted it.

Our fates are intertwined like the way water blends into the earth;

You the water, I the earth.

But while I grow and focus on my life, my career, my future,

I can't help but still want to tell you

Face to face,

Eye to eye,

I love you.

I love you. 

February 16, 2019

The Fight

It had been a horrible argument.

He said something. She said something. They both went storming off in different directions.

She collapsed on the bed and fumed over the situation. But the more she thought back on the argument, the worse she felt. And then from somewhere inside, a couple tears spilled onto her cheek.

 

As the tears glided down, she felt a twist in her heart.

"I never meant to hurt him," she thought. 

But he hurt her too. And wherever he stormed off to, he was standing there, regretting the fight too. 

He sighed and went to find her so he can apologise. This time, it was on him. 

The door to their bedroom creaked open.

Her tears had stopped but she was still upset and refused to speak to or even listen to him. 

He sat down next to her. She had her face turned away from him. 

"Sorry...," he said.

She said nothing. It was a deafening silence. 

He started to explain how he was wrong and how he didn't mean to say the things he said.

"I didn't mean to hurt you," he said. "I really didn't-"

She sniffled.

With a startle, he realized she was crying. 

He whispered her name softly. And the there was a flash of curly black hair and she was in his arms. He wrapped his arms around her too.

"I'm sorry," she said, her voice breaking as she spoke. 

They sat for a minute like that. And then the fight was over.

February 4, 2019

Twin Souls

I've held your hand for centuries

Across time, across space, 

Across entire dimensions.

I've held your hand all this time,

As you have held mine.

And in the astral dimension, we are dancing.

We are singing, we are chatting,

We are doing everything and nothing at once.

And we already knew

Right from the start

That destiny will play a part.

So the journey began lifetimes ago,

Event after event,

Lifetime after lifetime,

Karma good and bad,

Every little detail written in the stars

So I could meet you,

In that precise way

At that precise time

In that precise place

In this lifetime.

I didn't know what it was back then, 

And truth be told, 

I don't think you still realize.

But how else can you explain how 

I just understood the unspoken rules,

Just knew your feelings,

Knew there was more to you,

More to this, 

Than I ever thought -

How I could never forget,

And neither could you?

Because under all that denial and pain and fear

There was love.

There was always love.

Unconditional love.

I feel it when I think about you.

It starts in my heart chakra,

And spreads through my body.

Anyone would think that I'm crazy -

But I'm not.

I know I'm not.

I feel like we are guided,

Protected,

By the very entities who made sure I found you.

We have a higher purpose we are yet to find,

But I already have an inkling of what it could be.

Do you feel it?

Under all those insecurities in each of us,

There is power in this connection

To each other and to the universe.

You are half of me,

I am half of you.

We are sparks of light

Born from the Truth.

You have held my hand for centuries,

Even if you don't realize it yet,

And you'll hold it soon again

When we finally unite, blessed. 

October 8, 2018

The Meeting

Tuesday, May 29, 2018

Life works in mysterious ways, doesn't it?

It can take you for a whirlwind ride.

Ups and downs and unexpected twists,

Throwing you side to side,

And before you can orient yourself,

The situation accelerates.

You don't know whether at the end of this road

There's an upward slope or a cliff you'll hate.

But you go for it

Because you have no choice.

Take this risk, and have no regrets,

Or forever beat yourself up in your mind's voice.

It's nauseating anxiety-inducing.

What have I gotten myself into?

I'm so excited and nervous

And can't wait to see you.

My heart has been thumping for the last couple hours.

I've told friends abroad in my utter excitement.

My brain has been going crazy since yesterday.

I don't even know what to think, I don't know what makes sense.

I'm counting down the hours

And planning what to say

But I also don't have a plan at all

I've just been overthinking all day.

I arrived an hour early

But before you ridicule me (way to play it cool)

It was a serious time miscalculation

Because, you know, I'm a fool.

But when you walked through those doors, 

Everything stopped.

No racing heart, 

No anxious thoughts.

And time itself slowed down a bit. 

What felt like a while was just an hour. 

I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. 

Time has a strange power. 

It was casual, it was nice.

I still don't know what to think.

But we both enjoyed it, and that's great

And it's etched in my mind like ink.

And all I want to do is to thank you.

So thank you.