When he moved to sit closer to me on the edge of the bed, all the alarms went off in my head. But I ignored it.
Maybe he just wanted to hear me over the noise in the hotel room where everyone was pre-gaming.
He flirtatiously asked "how are you", after I had explained that I talk a lot and the joke back in high school was that if someone asks me a single question like how are you, they'd get no less than a paragraph in response. "You saw that one coming," he said. No, no I didn't. There was something about the way he said it that threw me off. It seemed friendly enough at the surface level, but only later would I realize that he was step by step gauging how much he can hit on me.
I was not alone with him. I was with other people from my college radio station, and the music director himself, who also was not drinking, was right there with us in this conversation.
When he asked me if I had a blog or something, I showed him mine. I showed him a poem I had written over a year ago. He paused too many times, asking me to stop distracting him or stop making such good conversation. All stuff that seemed pretty friendly at the time, but somewhere inside an alarm was ringing - an alarm I willingly ignored. I always see the good in people rather than the bad.
When we moved to a bar, after everyone was done pre-gaming, I was excited. I have never been to a bar before, so I didn't know what to expect. I didn't plan on going to a bar anytime soon, let alone in New York City. But I wanted to hang out with fellow people from Blaze, and that's why I was with them when they were pre-gaming and, later, at the bar. So it was a very spur of the moment decision.
When I showed him the poem, I talked about who it was about. A guy I used to be in love with; a guy who I bring up and talk about as though I'm not over him when I want to subtly say that I am not interested in anyone else. My main line of defense when I want to make someone think I'm too crazy and emotionally unavailable and hopefully make them give up on trying to hit on me. I also said that I'm much too focused on my studies and career to care or have any time for relationships.
My friend Varun would tell me later that I made all the rookie mistakes that a girl could make; that to a drunk guy in a bar, that said, "I want a one night stand and nothing serious." Which was not my intention at all.
I say all those things as my lines of defense to subtly let a guy know I'm not interested. How do they not get the message?
He frequently put his hand on my back and rubbed it. His hand snaked down to my waist and squeezed it. I didn't wince. But I'm not sure if anyone else knew how uncomfortable I really was.
I was enjoying the conversation though. It was genuinely a nice, fun conversation. Plus, I felt like I was actually making friends with this guy and the music director. But I didn't know what to say, or if it would even be okay to say it. My brain stopped working, my body froze. I don't know if anyone noticed, but I was stiff - hands clasped together, legs close together, trying to maintain some distance.
No, I was not comfortable with being hit on. But at the time I'm not sure I fully registered it either. Like I said, I willingly ignored the alarm in my head because I didn't want to ruin the conversation, I didn't want to ruin the party for anyone, and I honest to god wasn't sure if I'd be able to make friends and join anyone else's group at the party. Everyone else knew each other pretty well - I'm the outsider. So when I found two friends who I was talking to well, did I really want to ruin that?
My friend Angelica would ask me later if it was worth it. I'll tell her that to be honest, I don't know. I don't know if I would have been really lonely after I said anything.
I wasn't even wearing anything promiscuous or tight. I had on 2-3 layers of clothing. Thermal wear, a fluffy red sweater, jeans, and a raincoat. Maybe it was the makeup?
I left at 1am because that was the curfew I set for myself and I used that as an excuse to finally get away. The guy who hit on me was evicted from the bar at the same time for spilling alcohol when talking to me - despite me warning him not to.
When I told everyone I had to go, Sammee, the only other girl on the trip, asked me if I was okay. Did she know? Did she see what was happening? I said I just had to walk 40mins to my hotel. One of the guys said they'd call me an Uber to make sure I got home safe. I was extremely grateful.
My first time going to a bar. And this is what happened. I may never step foot in a bar again, or at least anytime soon. And definitely not without a group a friends I would trust with my life.
*
This happened the night of March 2, 2019. The morning of April 28, I watched a new video by BuzzFeed Ladylike where Devin shared the story of her sexual assault from 2012.
I watched that, and was reminded of what happened in New York City. And I could never find the right word for it - it wasn't abuse, I wasn't raped, it wasn't overt groping. It was just uncomfortable touch.
Right after I watched Devin's video, I googled types of sexual assault. Until this point, if I ever talked about it, I said I was hit on - to the point where it became really uncomfortable. Now, I am changing that.
I am calling this sexual assault because the term describes a range of acts that include unwanted touching, rubbing and groping. When he rubbed my back and squeezed my waist... It counts as sexual assault.
Why am I posting this on my blog? Because I felt a lot of the same things Devin felt after - confusion, blaming myself, trying to make sense of what happened.
Did I ask for it? Was I at fault? Did I do anything? Should I have said anything? What should I have said? Why didn't I say anything?
All the warning signs I willfully ignored - the alarms in my head I willfully silenced...
And I didn't know... that those thoughts were natural.
I am posting this here because hearing Devin's story and realized I felt a lot of the same things helped me. And I don't know who it may help to read my story. This is what happened; this is how I felt; these were my thoughts. If this helped you, I am glad.
