Desolate Journey

Heyyy! Sorry it's been a while since I last posted! I've been busy and couldn't think of anything to write...

Today this hit me as a song in the shower. I've forgotten the tune, but I remember the words, and I extended it into a poem.

We all have those times when we feel depressed. This is for you, my dears. 

Desolate Journey:

I’ve lost my way;

I’m not where I’m supposed to be.

I’ve gone blind;

I can’t even see anything, not even me.

The stars come out to mock me,

Shine so bright as if there’s hope

When all I see is darkness

And suffocating smoke.               

The waves that crash upon the shore,

They try to reach me, stretching their arms

Wanting to drown me in all my sorrows.

And I’m so close to falling into their sweet charms.

And yet when all seems to be lost,

When all I know seems to be gone,

I’m still fighting every day

For when I find life even remotely savorsome.

The happy faces all around -

I envy them at every turn,

Wishing to be one among them,

Not wanting the world to burn.

The tears that sleekly glisten down my cheek

Are crying themselves, crying out for help.

My hands, they shiver, and my heart is tired

And it might just die with a final whelp.

I’ve lost my way and I’ve gone blind.

Every day I wonder if I’ll last another day,

But I always make it through.

On this desolate journey, alive I will stay.

My heart, it beats thud after thud,

And my shivering hands crave comfort.

The stars that mock me? I mock them back

Because I will survive the hurt.

I’ve lost my way and I’ve gone blind.

Every day I wonder if I’ll last another day.

But I always make it through.

On this desolate journey, alive I will stay.

I know it's hard. But I promise you that someday everything will be okay, and you just have to hold on until then. Don't give in to the horrors and sorrows. Don't give in. There are people who care about you, and I am one of them. I may not know you, but know that I care about you. So for me, for your friends and for your family, hold on. Don't give in. There will be brighter days for you, I promise. I can't say when, but just hold on until then.

This Day

I'm too sad and messed up right now to tell you anything about this poem... Sorry...

THIS DAY:

I want to remember this day forever:

The day you broke my heart,

The day you crushed what little hope I had,

The day you stole it all.

I want to remember the words you said,

The words typed out and sent to me,

The words I knew were coming soon

And broke me like a tsunami.

I want to remember the day I gave up,

The day I realized you would never come around,

The day I realized my wishes won’t come true

After all my self-respect went below the ground.

I want to remember the things that I loved,

The things in you I always adored,

The things about you I’ll never forget,

The things I’ll never see anymore.

I want to remember the feelings I felt,

The feelings so real, so deep, so pure,

The feelings I now know I’ll feel if I’m in love,

The feelings you never understood.

I want to remember the times that I cried,

The times my tears made me weak,

The times I knew you were all I wanted

But my future with you will always be bleak.

I want to remember this day forever:

The day I wanted to die.

The day my pain was so great I felt numb.

The day I accepted you’ll never be mine.

From The Diary Of A Wounded Racehorse

This is a short piece requested by my friend B. Karthik (known to many as BK). The topic is how useless one feels when they can no longer run or jump or play the sports they love.

A break from the fast paced life...

Ever felt like a vegetable?

So useless because you can’t do anything at all?

You know how racehorses were shot in the old days when they broke a leg or had some injury that disabled them from running again?

I feel like those racehorses now. Except nobody is going to shoot me.

I used to fly, you know? I used to run and jump and play all kinds of sports. I was the guy who was down for any game, any time. I led teams to victory in games, and even when we didn’t win I always had a smile on my face. Little kids used to look up at me with awe and girls swooned over how much energy I had all the time. I always had fun. And I enjoyed every minute of it all.

But one day I realized my knee hurt. One of my knees started swelling. I thought it would go away in a day or two. It didn’t. I tried massaging it and stuff but it still hurt. After about two weeks I decided to go to the doctor and they told me something I wish I’d never heard.

“You have a meniscus tear in your knee.”

A meniscus tear is a common knee injury. The meniscus is a rubbery, C-shaped disc that cushions your knee. Each knee has two menisci (plural of meniscus)-one at the outer edge of the knee and one at the inner edge. The menisci keep your knee steady by balancing your weight across the knee. A torn meniscus can prevent your knee from working right.

A meniscus tear is usually caused by twisting or turning quickly, often with the foot planted while the knee is bent. Meniscus tears can occur when you lift something heavy or play sports. As you get older, your meniscus gets worn. This can make it tear more easily.

“You might need surgery,” the doctor said.

I went home and thought about it. I talked it over (and over) with my parents.

Finally we found a way to cure me without surgery. Physiotherapy.

And so now here I am, slowly recovering and my knee healing, but strictly restricted from running and playing. Not even cycling.

I feel useless. I feel like there is no purpose to my life until I can get back out there on the open ground.

People offer me sympathy – but I want no sympathy. I want my knee to heal as soon as possible so I can feel alive again. I want to feel like I can fly again.

But right now, all I can do is rest. It’s boring. So boring I feel like someone should just shoot me like the useless race horse that I am now.

I’m not stupid, though. I’m going to hold on and rest for now. I look out my window at all my friends playing and dream of joining them.

Mark my words. The day I finally make a full recovery, I’ll go out there and play twice as hard as ever before. Mark my words.

Hope you liked it! And I hope you could understand the feelings I was trying to recreate and convey!

Part Of Me Doesn't Know

Ah yes, well, you've been waiting around for that one guy for so long. You wanted to believe that if you waited long enough, eventually he'll come around. 

But deep inside, some part of you, however small, was slowly getting ready to let go. And after all this time, after all the times he's hurt you and all the pain you've been through, this part of you is ready to move on. 

But you still love him. The majority of you knows that, believes that, and holds on because of that.

But now finally, a part of you is asking earnestly, not half heartedly like in the past, is he worth it? Part of you has finally acknowledged that you deserve better, and is ready to let go.

Without a doubt, you know you still love him, though. A tiny sliver of hope is still making you want to hold on, to wait. But then, you know for a fact that he'll never acknowledge that he foolishly passed up on a gem like you.

Like this, your mind and heart will play a ping pong game when you reach that point where you have seriously begun to think it may actually be possible to move on.

Part Of Me Doesn’t Know:

Now all hope seems to be lost.

I don’t know when it had gone,

But it seems like

It’s taken too long.

Tried to say things that I felt,

That you made my heart melt,

But I guess nothing

Could help.

And it feels like it’s time at last

To let go,

Like my heart finally cannot take

Any more.

But part of me wants to move on,

Part of me just doesn’t know.

I could wait here in a blizzard,

Till my skin is iced over,

But you’d never turn, never,

And I’ll be waiting here forever.

A hundred guys

Could come and go,

But my heart loves

Only you, I know.

Wish there was some magic,

Some spell that I could cast.

But there’s nothing to be done

And I should get over you fast.

It feels at last

Like it’s time to let go,

Like all the glitter has settled

In an old snow globe.

But still I’m torn between

My thoughts and their flow

In a crazy, indefinite pattern,

Like a blizzard’s snow,

Because part of me

Wants to move on,

But part of me

Just doesn’t know.

Ah, my dear, how long will you wait? How much longer can you hold on to hope? 

How much more pain are you willing to put yourself through?