A break from the love poetry that I've written, but still another window into my life - my college life.
I wrote this poem on April 13, 2017. It shows the struggles with self-esteem, self-confidence, not feeling adequate enough, monetary issues at home, and a touch of - I daresay - jealousy.
I wrote this poem on April 13, 2017. It shows the struggles with self-esteem, self-confidence, not feeling adequate enough, monetary issues at home, and a touch of - I daresay - jealousy.
NEVER ENOUGH
I admire those who achieve
Be it scholarships or higher GPAs
Or jobs or trips to other places
Or award-winning essays.
I've spent a great deal of my life
Aiming for the top
Only to be stopped each time
Because I was never enough.
My grades just above average,
My talents nothing special,
My efforts never enough,
And my luck forever dwindled.
I admire the overachievers -
Not envy or hatred, no -
Because had I found their secret path
I would've taken it to where they go.
They're out there doing things
That pay off in the end
While I sit here, each thing that I do
Amounting to nothing, and
While they're out there earning
Scholarships and grants,
I sit here worrying how I'll pay
For the semester around the bend.
I search for scholarships that aren't
Reserved for those disabled,
Or those from minority groups -
Or others with such labels.
I'm not a first gen student, no,
Nor do I qualify as an immigrant.
I haven't survived deadly diseases
And am not a STEM major.
I'm the general class, the middle class,
The class the least supported.
My situation was simply deemed
"Because of your parents' choices."
But is it a choice for my parents
To take care of my old grandmother?
So is it a choice that my parents must
Run two households together?
I admire the people who get awards
And achieve recognition.
I've yearned for it and worked for it
But resulting in a failed missions.
I'll always be right where I stand
Just above the line,
But never enough to be someone
Worth being recognized.
So it's been a long time since I wrote this. But I've found out that I can actually qualify as a "first generation" student since I'm the first in my family to go to college in the US. However, I have found ways to pay my college semester fees by working part-time jobs and getting paid internships. I've given up on applying for scholarships for paying my college tuition - but I want to save up money or get a scholarship to summer study abroad trip. I really want to go to Japan, honestly. I'm in my third consecutive semester of studying Japanese - at this point, Japan is not a want; it's a NEED! Someday, somehow... I have to go. Hope for the best!
Meanwhile, I feel like I'm doing well enough in college in terms of learning new things and achieving, but it's still not enough. I still don't feel adequate enough, great enough, to call myself an honors student. But I'm going to keep working at it. Like they say, SHOOT FOR THE MOON - SO YOU'LL AT LEAST LAND AMONG THE STARS!
Be it scholarships or higher GPAs
Or jobs or trips to other places
Or award-winning essays.
I've spent a great deal of my life
Aiming for the top
Only to be stopped each time
Because I was never enough.
My grades just above average,
My talents nothing special,
My efforts never enough,
And my luck forever dwindled.
I admire the overachievers -
Not envy or hatred, no -
Because had I found their secret path
I would've taken it to where they go.
They're out there doing things
That pay off in the end
While I sit here, each thing that I do
Amounting to nothing, and
While they're out there earning
Scholarships and grants,
I sit here worrying how I'll pay
For the semester around the bend.
I search for scholarships that aren't
Reserved for those disabled,
Or those from minority groups -
Or others with such labels.
I'm not a first gen student, no,
Nor do I qualify as an immigrant.
I haven't survived deadly diseases
And am not a STEM major.
I'm the general class, the middle class,
The class the least supported.
My situation was simply deemed
"Because of your parents' choices."
But is it a choice for my parents
To take care of my old grandmother?
So is it a choice that my parents must
Run two households together?
I admire the people who get awards
And achieve recognition.
I've yearned for it and worked for it
But resulting in a failed missions.
I'll always be right where I stand
Just above the line,
But never enough to be someone
Worth being recognized.
So it's been a long time since I wrote this. But I've found out that I can actually qualify as a "first generation" student since I'm the first in my family to go to college in the US. However, I have found ways to pay my college semester fees by working part-time jobs and getting paid internships. I've given up on applying for scholarships for paying my college tuition - but I want to save up money or get a scholarship to summer study abroad trip. I really want to go to Japan, honestly. I'm in my third consecutive semester of studying Japanese - at this point, Japan is not a want; it's a NEED! Someday, somehow... I have to go. Hope for the best!
Meanwhile, I feel like I'm doing well enough in college in terms of learning new things and achieving, but it's still not enough. I still don't feel adequate enough, great enough, to call myself an honors student. But I'm going to keep working at it. Like they say, SHOOT FOR THE MOON - SO YOU'LL AT LEAST LAND AMONG THE STARS!
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