Wishing Things Were Different

On April 15, 2023, I met up with him in Chennai. We spent the entire day together, and it felt very much like a date. I thought there were so many green signals, signs I thought meant he liked me back. But at the end of the night, he friendzoned me... 

I'm still heartbroken.

I think a part of me will always be heartbroken over him.

Started someday after April 15, 2023; finished May 8, 2023

I wish you knew how much you mean to me

No

You do know

You know now

And I have to correct myself every time 

That thought crosses my mind

These are 8 years I’ll never get back

Did it ever cross your mind? 

Did it matter? 

Did any of it matter?

Did I matter?

Did I mean anything to you?

I came to you after all these years

Past college years, post glow-up,

A talented young woman 

Who gets attention from everywhere 

But only wants it from you

But did it matter to you? 

I was never and will never be 

Enough for you

I was never pretty enough, 

Smart enough, successful enough,

Sweet enough, caring enough,

I was never enough for you

Isn’t it funny?

I spent years imagining 

How we would come together 

How we would spend time together 

How we would spend our future together 

How much of a fool I am…

And now I can’t imagine 

Anyone else in your place

And I’m considering therapy

When you should be the one getting it

Isn’t it funny?

I feel betrayed by the universe 

“You’re just a friend”

Only ever just a friend 

Was that really all I ever was to you?

Every time you said it

Was like a bullet through my heart

You liar… you still couldn’t admit it

But if you wanted to, you could.

If you wanted to, you would.

But you didn’t.

Didn’t reach out, didn’t say a word,

Let alone change your mind.

You made your decision, fast and firm.

Did I matter at all to you?

Are you hurting right now too?

Did you ever care about me?

Even if you did love me too, 

It was never enough

To overcome your fears of commitment.

Was I too much for you?

Too naive for you?

Too far away for you?

Put too much effort in for you?

Cared too much about you?

Did I love you too much?

I wanted so much to be the light

That shone through your darkest times

And I wanted to show you

Love exists

And you deserve it

And I loved you more than I loved myself 

I love you more than I will ever love

Anybody else

I try to see the future 

I draw cards and none of them make sense 

I ask around and nobody wants to help

I’m left with nothing but wishes

I wish you would talk to me again 

I wish you would reach out

I wish you loved me enough 

To be vulnerable for once

I wish I could see you again

Wish I could kiss you just once

But I was there in Chennai

For a whole month

And we only met once

And you left my last goodbye on read

You couldn’t bring yourself to say something 

Even then

This grand romantic gesture 

Was all for naught

All in vain

Didn’t sway you at all

How can it mean nothing to you?

How can you be so stubborn?

And I’m the one left sobbing silently 

Over you, 10,000m above the Pacific,

Missing you

Thinking about our memories 

Wishing I could talk to you

Wishing things were different