The Knight's Armor

 May 6, 2022

I grew comfortable in my loneliness.

I grew to be content, to be happy with being single,

To be independent.

I charge through life like 

A blazing ball of fire,

Not needing anyone or anything but

Myself, and my nearest dearest friends.

And even when the support system changed

And the coping habits evolved

(Or devolved - it happens)

I was fine.

I don't need a man, I tell myself.

I can take care of myself.

But in front of you, I crumble.

The armor comes off.

In place of strong facade

There is vulnerability,

Heartache,

Loneliness.

And I so deeply want to put down my helmet,

Rest my sword,

Rest my mind, rest

My heart, my soul. 

I hide fear.

I cower in the face of 

Relationships... And intimacy.

Because that can lead to falling in love,

And falling in love can lead to heartache.

And if I am broken, I cannot function.

I cannot advance,

I cannot survive.

I cannot risk it all for just anyone.

But with you I feel comfort,

With you I feel safe.

With you I don't mind -

What heartache?

With you the armor comes off,

With you the façade crumbles.

With you the ever present fear is shoved aside,

Make room for love. Make room for risk,

A desire for companionship,

And a confidence that I can face my fears

With you by my side.

Perhaps you can find the same in me. 

Perhaps we can don our armor together,

Advance together.

And then when the sun sets and 

Orange and purple lights dance across the heavens...

Perhaps we can rest together,

Be vulnerable together,

Come alive together. 

Perhaps we can find it in ourselves

To love one another.